“The more, more we practice…”

I am now going to have this song stuck in my head for days at the very least. And I’m pretty sure I’m never going to forget it!

To the tune of “Row, row, row your boat”, kind of:

The more, more we practice, the be-e-tter we get

The more we practice, the be-ee-etter we get

And it goes on. In a continuous loop. It’s almost as bad (or good) as “The Song That Never Ends”.

Those were some intense, but awesomely fun four days. Awesome people, awesome learning, awesome teachers. And some personalities that are so magnetic I know I’m never going to forget them.

I have Tolstoy’s Confession and Other Religious Writings sitting beside me on the bedside table. I really want to pick it up and finish it, it calls me every time I look at it. But I want someone to share it with when I finish, and I can’t think of who that could be. I actually can think of a lot of people I could share it with, but I don’t really want to share it with them.

I’m confused, because I don’t understand where this is coming from. Did my email not have enough to respond to? Was there something wrong with it? Was it too…casual? I’m not sure what happened there, but it’s making me really sad.

I’m in Fort Worth, and I’m excited, but he, along with all my other demons, aren’t giving me the chance to enjoy it. Almost 26 years after I was born, I came back to my city. And I want to explore it. This is one of the most peaceful places I’ve ever visited that isn’t also sad at the same time. Colorado was gorgeous, but nature by itself has a tendency to make me sad. Fort Worth is peaceful, calm, but also happy. I want to get to know my city, but I know I’m not going to. There’s too much reflection involved in that. Where have I come in 26 years?

Why won’t he email me?

Throwing myself into my work, like I’ve been doing, is an option, sure, but eventually, once the work dies down or is finished, I will have to face this. Putting it off has worked so far, but I’ve never really experienced pain in this way before. It’s more of an ache, that, if I were to set it down and examine it, would start throbbing with pain and anguish. So I’ve been choosing not to set it down and examine it. But I can’t just keep doing that forever. I’ve never put off emotions in this manner before. I’ve always dealt with them, and I’m not sure if I’m voluntarily putting it off, or if I was forced to put it off because of all I have going on.

I’m really not sure what the summer, the fall, or the rest of my life has in store for me. I’ve started taking it one day at a time because there’s no other way for me to take it. I’ve tried the planning, praying, hoping route, and all it’s given me has been disappointments. One after another, until I became pretty sure I couldn’t take another disappointment. It has to be this way, because I’m sure another one will break me. Another rejection? It wouldn’t work, there’d be nothing left of me.


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