What do I want …

What do I want to do? I love the clickity clack of typing. It sounds so productive, and it’s a very calming sound. At least to me. It makes me feel as if there is a lot of time. I’m not sure why that is. It might be because I imagine someone sitting at a typewriter (typewriter because I imagine the writer not having any distractions to take them away from their task), thinking, and typing. And every word they type is necessary or useful.

In reality, there are a lot of not so useful things said through typing. But I like my image, so I’ll stick to it.

So, in an attempt to create that image for myself, I’ll go back to my question for the day: What do I want?

I want to write. I want to know. And I want it be toward something worthwhile. So it can’t be writing simply for the sake of writing. Or knowing simply for the sake of knowing.

That’s good. It helped to list my criteria for life-work like that. I think I’ve always known that, but since it was always jumbled together in my head I was never able to sit down and think through what my options might be that contain those criteria.

Okay, so, in order to do this, what do I need? Well, first I would need to pick something worthwhile. What could that be? Would getting a PhD help me, or would I simply be wasting time? And what would that PhD be in? Let’s start with the topic, no jumping around. I love what he said about this, and I’m going to use that insha’Allah to jump start my life. Scahill did Blackwater; Greenwald did Manning (did he?); Goodman does news; somebody or some group does Monsanto (Shiva?); someone did Gitmo. This was all real work. It wasn’t journalism or analyses for its own sake. This is what I want to do. But where do I start? What do I start with?  

Environmentalism? A specific country or region? The problem with that one is that that would most likely be knowledge simply for the sake of knowledge. I don’t plan on travelling to countries at war to cover them, so all I would really be doing would be gaining facts – which are simply what other people have said are facts. What’s the use in that? Other than for my own sake, and that’s a waste of time. 

So what could it be? It could be environmentalism, but as much as I care about the environment and don’t want Monsanto to produce all our food, I just don’t have that level of interest in it as I do in IR. Okay, so, what else? 

I don’t want to waste my life. And that’s exactly what I’m doing, last spring, this summer, and this next year. Call me horrible, but I’ve never felt more useless than when I was teaching. I can almost feel my brain slipping away. There’s absolutely nothing in it that I find worth my time. Even if I spend the rest of my life not “working”, I will not, cannot go back to teaching. Especially if it’s below the undergraduate level. 

So what the hell do I want to do?!


2 thoughts on “What do I want …

  1. It can be really overwhelming and depressing to feel like you are “wasting time.”

    Instead of “wasting time,” could it also be that God is preparing you for better things and teaching you other things inshAllah? What could better things be? Well, they could be exactly what you want right now!

    Maybe the things you are dreaming of were just meant to come later in life. Maybe the delay is a mechanism to teach you great things. Things that will help your akhirah and that will help your dunya too.

    God’s plan is always the best plan. Admittedly, that can be really difficult to take in. Especially when dreams are big and the clock is ticking!

    The great part is that your dreams are so big that you haven’t reached them. It’s through this process, I think, that one can feel a develop a deeper connection to the Supreme Power. Only He can make an unreachable dream possible. Thus, you have no choice but to cast all your hopes and trusts in Him.

    The great part? Whenever you keep asking Him for things, He will keep giving to you. (Remember what you told me about making duas and how something is always answered??)

    Keep dreaming big! Each and everyone of your dreams is being listened to. God is perfecting it even more than you could imagine.

    Love ya!!!!

    PS: Sorry it took a while to respond to this post. This one was a deep one, so I waited to get back to it when I knew I could write a more thorough response!

  2. What do you want to do? I think you answered it and forgot you had your answer 🙂 :

    “I want to write. I want to know. And I want it be toward something worthwhile. So it can’t be writing simply for the sake of writing. Or knowing simply for the sake of knowing.”

    Go get ’em!

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