Something I Wrote Last Night, After An Emotional Talk With My Family

I try so hard, but the tears won’t come
I’m breaking their hearts, and I’m also breaking mine
What prevents me from being one of those girls?

They “take a year off after college to get married.”
They get married while they’re in college
They want to get married

It isn’t that I do not. Truly.

What if I never get married?
I have dreams, but what if they are never realized?
Days, weeks, months, decades
Turn into minutes and half hours
To do with as I will. To read, and to watch TV, and to dream.

I can’t stand to be breaking their hearts.
Don’t feel sorry for me, feel sorry for them.
I’m stuck, neither here nor there. Neither sad nor happy.

Amateur. Everything I’ve ever done is amateur.
How is it, then, that I am now breaking their hearts so colossally?

Tears will not help. Where should I go if tears won’t help?

I wish I could take your pain, and your suffering, and your fear.
I wish I could take all the wounds I’ve ever given you.
I wish I could steal them and crush them, never give them back.

But I can’t, because I don’t know the future.


One thought on “Something I Wrote Last Night, After An Emotional Talk With My Family

  1. Woah! I just saw this post. I’m not sure how I missed it.


    The last paragraph you wrote is so heart-wrenchingly sad and beautiful.

    I know it’s hard enough to deal w/ tough times and rough spots — and to feel the profound disappointment and worry that you feel responsible for creating to your family can make it even more difficult to bear with.

    I’m learning with time to take less responsibility. LOL. Everyone always preaches to be responsible — and here I’m suggesting the opposite :-))

    I think our natural instinct is to just want to make everyone happy and be the perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect friend, etc — but I’m realizing that a healthy life is also about balance and boundaries. And even greater than that — there are forces that are so much huger than us. We are so so small. And the things we do aren’t as impactful as we think — they are all a part of kismet and God’s divinely ordained plan. Everyone is meant to go through a journey and plan that Allah swt has for us — whether that is a good time or bad time. And even if our ‘problem’ or hard times are affecting someone else — God is creating this effect into something beneficial for them. So we can never hurt anybody – b/c Allah swt will always make it good for them.

    This has been the most liberating realization I’ve made recently!

    I love you!!!!! Hugs!!!!!

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