Wasting Life

Here’s how you know Warm Bodies is going to be good just by watching the trailer, even though it has Zombies and is therefore weird: it features music by Broken Bells. It’s a no brainer (pun intended), Warm Bodies has to be good.

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just sit here all day long, every day, and do nothing. I watch TV, I go on the internet, and I just sit. I’ve come to an impasse that I do not know how to pass. Because, just because. There’s nothing in the world I want to do that is worth doing. That is a Very Big Problem. I’ve been through it again and again and again and again and again, and there’s nothing there. Not a single thing that is worth my time. So, instead, with the wonderful logic that my life is full of, I sit here and do nothing. Because what better way to spend your time than to waste it. It’s better than wasting it actually doing something. I might as well waste it by not doing anything. What? 

I don’t know how to move on from here. I don’t enjoy reading anymore. I mean, actually, I don’t know if I enjoy reading anymore or not because I have absolutely no desire to read. What on Earth am I supposed to do with that? I can’t remember ever in my entire life not having the desire to read. I’m sure I had the desire to read even when I didn’t know how to read, I just couldn’t follow through with that desire. 

I have no desire to read, I have no desire to do anything. Except sit here on the couch in the exact same place every single day from the moment I get up till the moment I have to to go sleep and watch TV or go on the internet to…do nothing. 

My life is so pointless I don’t even know how to fix it. I want to move toward a larger goal but I can’t…because there’s nothing to move toward. It’s like every thing in the world reaches back to that point. 

I don’t even have the desire to explain myself more fully so that you might actually understand what I’m saying. I just don’t know what to do. 

I love using my head, but there’s nothing to be gained from that so why do it? I would love to go to school, but what’s the point? What am I accomplishing by reading some book on political theory and then writing a paper on it? I would love to read that book and write that paper, but what have I accomplished by doing that? Have I saved a life? Have I made an actual difference in anything, for anyone? I don’t even like work. I hate work. Unless it involves reading a book on political theory and writing a paper on it. Actual work, the kind that’s called a job that you get paid for doing, I don’t like it. I don’t want to do it. Unless it involves reading a book on political theory and writing a paper on it. But that’s useless. It’s a waste of time. What am I going to do with that paper once I finish it? Absolutely nothing. 

Even if I were to humor whoever is responding to this and say that it could get published, so what? What does it matter if it gets published? Who’s going to read it? Either someone who agrees with it, nods along the entire time they’re reading it, then puts it off to the side, or someone who disagrees with it, writes a rebuttal, and then gets that published. Big frikkin whoop. What is that accomplishing??? I could go back and forth with Jean Locke 5,000 times and it wouldn’t accomplish a darn thing. 

So there’s nothing in the world worth doing. I would like to get a PhD, but that’s a big waste of my life. None of the jobs in the world in my field are worth doing. What am I supposed to do with that? 

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4 thoughts on “Wasting Life

  1. I’ve felt like this before, too. As other people get noticed or move on or whatever, so often I feel like I’m stuck in my little circle of academia, unable to break the invisible bubble of the “real world.” Papers, reviews, even work in school feels pointless even as I break myself to do it. I sympathize. But, you know, writing that music review on band that excites me for the 6 people who visit my site (and hopefully 1 who is not just a spam bot), is satisfying. It makes me feel like I’m going somewhere. Maybe it’s because it’s for me, something completely in my control and coming purely from my heart and my passion. It’s good to just create, even if there’s no point and little to no recognition. So, please, write that paper. It’ll be worth it, I promise. And I can promise you’ll have at least one reader!

  2. Aww, thanks Marco! I was speaking more in hypotheticals. I’m not in school right now, but it’s one of the few things that interest me so I’ve been debating going back to get a masters or a PhD. But then I always come across this problem of not being able figure out what on Earth the point is of all that. The only other field I’ve considered is journalism, and that goes back to the same problem as well – that it really doesn’t matter whether I write that article on topic x because there are 231 other articles on the same topic, and I feel like all we’re ever doing in the field of current events is writing articles and reading them, which doesn’t amount to much in the end.

    It’s all very convoluted and I’m sure that some great philosopher somewhere could tell me what I should do. 😛

    I love reading your blog btw, and I’m not a spam bot! Our musical tastes overlap enough that I’ve discovered some great music through you. Otherwise I’m left trailing spotify and Amazon’s “If you liked this, you might also like this” section for good music. 🙂 And that passion you talk about, I can see it in your writing, which is why it’s such great writing. You can’t create great art unless you’re incredibly passionate about it.

    I can see what you’re saying, that as long as you enjoy it and it’s doing something for you, it doesn’t matter whether there’s a point to it or not. That’s why I want to drum and just live in the music. I think I’m going to go get started on that. 🙂

    • I think drumming is a great idea! Getting lost and forgetting yourself in anything, music, books, movies, is one of the most pure things I’ve found. And I’m super excited you have found some music from the blog. That is so great!

      As I’ve been studying English and nearing the end of my time in school, I’ve thought of what I’m doing and its value. I mean, everything about English is subjective and so it’s really hard to nail something I’ve written or done down and say, “this has value and is good/bad and no one can possibly argue against that point.” I mean, when you’re building a computer program, you can say it is good because it does or doesn’t sufficiently fulfill its purpose; If it’s supposed to email a report and it doesn’t, well, it is a “bad” program. English has no such value or meaning. It can’t by its nature. And that’s really hard for me sometimes, too.

      So, I get the whole “what’s the point if someone’s already done it” question. But! At the end of one of these existential crises, I told myself, no one has done it like I will. No one has thought the same way or said the same things or felt the same about whatever I’m doing and so in that way, I’m creating something new. Even if it is in this endless cycle of reading and writing, mine will be different, if only because I wrote it. Right? And you’ve already proved that by this blog, in that it’s the same as so many other blogs but yet distinctly you. It’s inside that cycle and yet outside of it. And that’s significant. And it would be in everything you do because you’re creating something new simply because of you.

      I dunno. I’ve asked the same questions you have and don’t have any answers. But there’s so much out there! and it’s all reinvented when you talk about it! Just thinking about something makes it new! It’s worth doing because you want to or have done it. Little hippy-dippy, I admit but, hey, maybe’s it something.

      • It’s funny, because I’ve never actually felt that way about literature. You would think I would, since literature is art, and art can easily be seen as superfluous and ‘pointless’. I’ve always been a reader, and I’ve also always enjoyed writing. It’s one of the few things I need in life, an outlet to write. That’s the only reason I created this blog, and the blog I had before. But I’ve never felt as if any book or piece of writing, in fiction at least, is pointless.

        I think the reason I’m so hard on the fields of journalism and political science is because I feel as if all of us in the field are there because we care about current events. But, at the end of the day, all we’ve done is shuffle some notes back and forth in the form of articles and agreed or disagreed with some other notes. And if we’re in this field because we care about current events shouldn’t be doing something that makes an actual contribution? Maybe working on something to change certain policies or lobbying against something else? But all journalists seem to do is write, and I’m not sure that that makes a difference. If someone writes a novel for example, that’s great; it’s there for people to enjoy and it will hopefully get passed down through the years and be beloved by many readers. But if you have an article in a newspaper, what is that good for 20 years down the line? It’s not there for the sake of art, it had no purpose in the first place so now it really doesn’t have a purpose this many years later. It’s just facts and information, and what good is that when people are dying and you’re just sitting there writing about it?

        I understand that journalism contributes to transparency and accountability for those in power, but it seems like there are 4 people that are doing that job and 504 people who are simply sitting around rehashing that information ad nauseum. And, to top it all of, the rest of us are spending countless hours reading that rehashed information and…doing what with it exactly? I read books for enjoyments sake, I’m not sure why I’m reading the news if all I’m doing it for is to ‘stay informed’, as if that’s ever helped anybody.

        I’m sorry if I’m coming off a bit pessimistic about the whole thing, I think I’m trying to work through my thoughts as I write this. 🙂

        If you’ve studied English in school, I think you should keep at it. I am being very honest when I say that you’re a wonderful writer and the world would benefit from you publishing or doing whatever it is that you want to do. Literature really does benefit the world, one reader at a time. I truly believe that. I was shaped very much just by the countless books I read when I was young, and I’m still shaped and molded by what I read these days. Books matter. And I totally agree with the idea that nobody can do it the way you can. You can easily gloss over a story, and be very affected by the exact same story written by someone else.

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