Panic. Nowhere Near the Disco.

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Why does life always hit you when you’re on the plane? Journeys are no longer real to me until I’m on the plane. And then the plane lands, and I get off, and the trip happens, and the trip is almost unreal the entire time it’s happening, and then it’s over and I’m back home and I’m never really sure what happened. Why must journeys be like that? If it really is about the journey and not the destination, why do I always make it about the destination?

Journey, or Destination? Why am I panicking? First I was panicking about forgetting something, then even when I’ve checked, and double checked, and triple checked, and quadruple checked, I’m still in a panic that I’m going to forget something, or that I’ll need something and it won’t be there. But I realized that I wasn’t really panicking about things, I was and am panicking about the trip and I don’t know why. I’m panicking and I don’t know about what so I can’t reassure myself about it. About time? That it’ll be over as soon as it starts and I won’t get the experience I hope for? Is it possible to stress yourself out about something that’s supposed to be fun? That I won’t have enough fun? That I won’t…what?

I still have lists I need to work on and things I need to do, but I’m waking up in the middle of the night panicked not about those, but about something intangible about my trip.

I need to sleep. It’s almost 3 am and I have work and work and work tomorrow. The panic might be arising from the fact that I haven’t had a chance to collect my thoughts since I’ve been running around so much. Hopefully I’ll be able to do so in the next couple of days, at least two days before I leave, so that I’m calmer and more relaxed. That might be why life always hits me on the plane; because it’s the one time after the chaos of getting everything packed and ready fro the trip that I’m able to gather myself and collect my thoughts, really give myself time to breathe and mentally sort my life out.

I need time. Time, time, time. Time. Time to think. Time to breathe. Thinking is more important to me than breathing at times like these. If I can’t be clear about what’s happening, or why or when it’s happening, it’s like I’m in a daze and can’t function. T. I. M.E.

Birthday? Who’s birthday? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Being in a daze results in posts like these, where the topics are all over the place and I’m making very little sense to anyone but me. This must be what it’s like to be drunk.

Yup, drinking reference, time to go to sleep.

I blame my lame title on my current, dazed state of mind too.

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3 thoughts on “Panic. Nowhere Near the Disco.

  1. My propensity for thinking can lift me up and it can just as swiftly take me under. I call it the charm of contemplation and the landmine that is overthinking. In summation, I admire that you do not shy away from what must be considered.

    I’m a sensitive morsel, and when my to-do’s aren’t getting done, I start to feel a pressure that is so deep and so unneccessary. I struggle with finding the balance between pursuing life and allowing life to move at a functional pace. I want to be all in, go go go, all of the time.

    I admire your honesty and am glad I have discovered this littler corner of your world!

  2. Hi Laura! I’m so glad you’ve discovered my little corner of the world too, I sense a kindred spirit within you, just from your comments. 🙂

    I know what you mean about overthinking, I overthink EVERYTHING. And I didn’t even realize that that’s the reason I’m so down in the dumps sometimes, because I’m extrapolating from something someone has said or done, analyzing it to death, and by the end I’m certain that so and so doesn’t like me/hates me/thinks I’m stupid, etc., etc.

    Understanding this is the first step to recovery though right?

  3. I can only hope that awareness will lead to an eventual release. I often view my sensitivity as having the powers of good and bad. When healthfully used, I am intuitive. When I’m a grumpelstiltskin plagued by anxiety, I become overly dramatic and self-loathing. It’s a fine line we walk on, and I believe our quest for balance is a noble one.

    Sometimes, I feel a slave to my emotions and sensitivities. Other times, I treasure them for allowing me to see the world a bit more plainly than those unwilling to engage in feeling deeply.

    We can do this! And I, too, feel a kindred spirit in you 🙂

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